Know someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else but flies off the handle at the slightest criticism? We all might have meet people in our lives that have a somewhat self-centered personality having an excessive interest in one's physical appearance or image and an excessive preoccupation with one's own needs, often at the expense of others.
That is how Narcissist people are.
Narcissism exists on a continuum that ranges from normal to abnormal personality expression. There is a significant difference between normal, healthy levels of narcissism and people who are difficult/self-absorbed, or people having a pathological mental illness like narcissistic personality disorder.
History of thoughts
The term "narcissism" comes from the Roman poet Ovid's Metamorphoses, written in the year 8 AD. Book III of the poem tells the mythical story of a handsome young man, Narcissus, who spurns the advances of many potential lovers. When Narcissus rejects the nymph Echo, who was cursed to only echo the sounds that others made, the gods punish Narcissus by making him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. When Narcissus discovers that the object of his love cannot love him back, he slowly pines away and dies.
The concept of excessive selfishness has been recognized throughout history. In ancient Greece, the concept was understood as hubris.
It wasn't until the late 1800s that narcissism began to be defined in psychological terms. Since that time, the term narcissism has had a significant divergence in meaning in psychology. It has been used to describe
a sexual perversion,
a normal [healthy] developmental stage,
a symptom in psychosis, and
a characteristic in several of the object relations.
Paul Nacke and Havelock Ellis (1889) are the first psychiatrists, independent of each other, to use the term "narcissism" to describe a person who treats his own body in the same way in which the body of a sexual partner is ordinarily treated. Narcissism, in this context, was seen as a perversion that consumed a person's entire sexual life.
Narcissists have a prominent place in the popular imagination, and the label "narcissist" is widely deployed to refer to people who appear too full of themselves. There's also a growing sense that narcissism is on the rise around the world, especially among young people, although most psychological research does not support that notion.
Narcissism in Greek Mythology
Narcissus, in Greek Mythology, was the son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. He was distinguished for his beauty. It is believed that Narcissus’s mother was told by the blind seer Tiresias that he would have a long life, provided he never recognized himself. However, his rejection of the love of the nymph Echo or (in an earlier version) of the young man Ameinias drew upon him the vengeance of the gods. He fell in love with his own reflection in the waters of a spring and pined away (or killed himself); the flower that bears his name sprang up where he died.
The story may have derived from the ancient Greek superstition that it was unlucky or even fatal to see one’s own reflection. Narcissus was a very popular subject in Roman art. In Freudian psychiatry and psychoanalysis , the term narcissism denotes an excessive degree of self-esteem or self-involvement, a condition that is usually a form of emotional immaturity.
Narcissistic personality disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder has become a controversial condition, mainly because it’s often misunderstood. It’s also been stigmatized as a personal choice of behavior, which it’s not.
The word narcissism often describes someone who seems excessively vain or full of themselves. But in psychological terms, narcissism doesn’t mean self-love—at least not of a genuine sort. It’s more accurate to say that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are in love with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. And they’re in love with this inflated self-image precisely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity.
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of the narcissist’s life: from work and friendships to family and love relationships.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it’s causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others. What’s more, they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks. For the people in the narcissist’s life, it’s often easier just to go along with their demands to avoid the coldness and rages.People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
As a cluster B personality disorder, NPD is mainly characterized by behaviors that are:
dramatic and exaggerated
emotional and intense
erratic and unpredictable
Not everyone with narcissistic personality behaves in the same way. This is, in part, because there are different types of narcissism.
Symptoms of NPD
Grandiosity and self-importance
Fantasies of perfection and superiority
Sense of specialness and uniqueness
Need for praise and attention
Lack of empathy
Jealousy, envy, and distrust
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment
Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
How To Tell if Someone is a Narcissist 10 Signs of a Narcissist
There are few traits that betray that someone is a narcissist. Below there are mentioned 10 signs from which you can tell that someone is a narcissist.
Monopoly on Conversation
When you are dealing with a narcissist you will realize that most of the time the conversations are one sided. They will talk over or constantly interrupt the other person to say the things they want and to express their views or talk about themselves. They also tend to ignore what others say or only give superficial responses before steering the conversation back to their narrative.
Flaunting Rules or Social Conventions
One of the more disruptive signs of narcissism is a desire to flout rules or traditions, sometimes with dramatic consequences. A person with NPD may seek out special treatment or feel wronged when they can’t circumvent the system.
Fixation with Appearance
Narcissist people are obsessed with their appearance, they would spend endless hours infont of the mirror observing and fixing their appearance. They may directly belittle people by criticizing their clothes, their body type or facial features.However, appearances go beyond physical looks. For a narcissist, it is also important that their lives appear perfect. They demand admiration. Keeping up with the Joneses is an important goal for the narcissist. If the narcissist can surpass the Joneses, that’s even better.
Unreasonable Expectations
We do all face a period or a moment of our life being jealous of other for various reasons but narcissist take the situation to a complete another level and become completely consumed by these feelings.They may constantly discuss other people’s property or good fortune in a negative light. They might hold a strong belief that other people are envious of them.
Disregard for Other People
Narcissists often display manipulative tendencies and use their interactions with others to further their own goals. People with NPD cultivate intense emotional relationships with friends or family members and use the connection to benefit themselves and boost their self-importance. This type of manipulation varies extensively but can include:
- pronounced mood swings
- fierce arguments
- a need to assign blame to other people
Praise, Praise and More Praise
Narcissist have adore to be always the center of attention. They tend to have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and expect adoration everywhere they go. They expect from everyone around them to praise them constantly and treat them in a special way
The narcissist needs someone who constantly puts them on a pedestal. Early on, their superficial charm makes them a crowd favorite. Compliments come to them easily. However, the adoration phase never lasts long. A bottomless pit couldn’t contain the narcissist’s need for praise and excessive attention. Unfortunately, if they don’t receive the amount of praise he or she expects, the narcissist resorts to rage. For narcissists who become physically abusive, this rage often represents the first step in the cycle of abuse.
It’s Everyone Else’s Fault
Shaming and blaming are two very important tools in the narcissist’s manipulation toolbox. Narcissists always tend to turn them blame to someone else expect themselves. The narcissist takes an elevated position in their relationships by shaming their partner. It’s always a one-up situation for the victim. If the victim somehow upsets this balance of power, the narcissist does what it takes to regain control.
They Fear Abandonment
Mental health professionals believe most narcissists exhibit these maladaptive behaviors out of their fear of abandonment. However, as weird as it sounds, most of the time it’s the narcissist who abandons people. In the narcissist’s mind, it’s often a matter of leaving before are left.
That being said, these breakups, though initiated by the narcissist, rarely last. Victims of this breakup, then makeup cycle must understand that several factors cause this cycle.
First, the narcissist needs his or her narcissistic supply to feel good. To the narcissist’s way of thinking, it only makes sense to come back to someone he or she has discarded. The narcissist already has that person trained to give them the praise the narcissist requires.
Second, the act of repeatedly leaving and coming back wears the victim down. After a while, the victim’s self-esteem takes a real hit. The cycle of leaving and coming back eventually makes the victim dependent on the narcissist. This ensures that the victim never abandons the narcissist.
The Narcissist Lives in a Fantasy
hey create elaborate fantasies about their great life and success. They expect others to participate in and confirm these delusions.
To support these fantasies, covert narcissists will make up stories about events that never happened. If the event did take place, they’ll change the details to make it seem bigger, better, and brighter than it was. In the narcissist’s world, they hobnob with governors, millionaires, and movie stars. Adoring fans fall at their feet.
There Are Always Strings Attached
Victims who are wise to the narcissist’s ways know that gifts come with strings attached. The narcissist uses unsolicited gifts to manipulate the victim to get what they want. They never give a gift just to give a gift. Gifts, whether tangible or intangible, are used to get something in return. The narcissist always makes sure that the receiver knows who sent the gift. There is also an unspoken agreement with the narcissist. The narcissist will collect their collateral at a later time.
Unfortunately for the victim of this narcissistic tactic, it’s difficult to accept gifts from anyone. The victim always fears those gifts come with strings attached, which affects their mental health. The narcissist’s victims have a difficult time trusting the intentions of others even when the intentions come from a good place.
How do narcissists control you.
They target codependents.
Narcissist people have a preference in people you have a codependency "issue" as from the time they find it more easier in this way to control them. As experts state “The narcissist reinforces the codependent’s shortcomings where they are manipulated to believe everything is their fault or that they are responsible to fix any discomforts in the relationship. The partner becomes afraid of the narcissist to the point where they lose their sense of self by believing all of the narcissist’s distortions.”
They make you feel special
Often a narcissist will go out of his /her ways and start complimenting others, not because they genuinely believe that the other deserves a compliment but mostly because that's one of their manipulation tactics. They might say thing of the type like "Although I only just met you, it’s clear to me that you are exceptionally bright and capable. I have a very select group of people, much like yourself, that I like to keep in contact with…" based on experts.
They use shock, awe and guilt
Narcissists continue to gain control of the people in their lives by eliciting difficult emotions. After going through a period of ‘grooming’ someone for a close relationship, the narcissist moves on to use shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control,
They gaslight
Narcissists are also commonly gaslighters as well, meaning that they are master manipulators. “Gaslighting is a tactic of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths,” Christine Scott-Hudson, Licensed Psychotherapist, explains. “It is a manipulative behavior designed for self-gain, and even for sport. It is designed to weaken, trick, and destabilize the victim. Gaslighters will deny they said something or did something that you know they said or did. They move through the world dishonestly.”
They play hot and cold games
Finally, narcissistic individuals are also known to play games. The negative moments are interspersed with positive ones so that you might not even realize that you’re being manipulated. The only way to defeat this is to be cautious of the flattery and positivity when it comes. Take every action with a grain of salt, and don’t let the love-bombing be a form of bribery towards you. Niceties shouldn’t be conditional. One week, they’ll flatter you to get you to do what they want, and the next week, they’ll use aggression.
That's All She Wrote
Laura Melkonian
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